October 2023

Former Servicemember Claims Aliens Exist

by C.M. Waide

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRICAL AND SHOULD NOT BE USED AS A REFERENCE IN ANY ACTUAL SCIENCE-FICTION APOCALYPTIC SCENARIOS.

This July retired Major David Grusch testified before a House Oversight Committee to the existence of extra-terrestrials (E.T.). Grusch claimed that the U.S. government has been trying to play catch up to the E.T. technology for decades. Pentagon officials have denied this. I’m actually not kidding about this part, you can check it out here https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/watch-live-house-oversight-committee-probes-ufos-and-wider-implications.
What can you do to protect yourself from your new alien overlords?

• Check your teeth for any metallic fillings. Aliens love to place radio transmitters in teeth. If any have been placed, you may be unable to see them. You can self-check for AM radio transmissions by standing in crowded locations and staring at the sun with your mouth open.
• Protect your brain from infiltration. Everyone knows extra-terrestrial beings are telepathic and can read, control, or even detonate a human brain with a single glance. Crafting a hat from aluminum foil will help to shield your brainwaves. Always use mirrors before entering a room or turning any corners.
  Disregard the previous step, that’s for Medusa.
• Warn others. Most people will be oblivious to the omens at hand, it is your civic duty to act as a harbinger. Wear a sign with apocalyptic messages when you go out, avoid common phrases such as “The end is near” and opt instead for a quote from the book of Revelations.
• Stop taking all prescribed medications. They may have been switched by Black Ops government forces to make you are more docile.
  You were right all along.
• Board up all doors and windows. Stock up on emergency rations, the longer the shelf life the better. Cease all communication with the outside world as everyone you’ve ever known or loved has been enslaved by lizard people. Stay in your cellar for at least ten years before searching for survivors to repopulate the Earth.